When your heart is outside your body

I have been meaning to write this post forever.  Seriously, it's been in the back of my head for more than a year.  I just haven't written it yet.  You see, there is this little boy who I love more than anything in the world.  (For the record, I love all my lil' ones more than anything in the world ;)  Jacob was my very first though.  The first positive pregnancy test, the first kicks in my tummy, the first time I held my very own baby.  My eyes filled with tears when he got his first shots, his first Little Gym medal, sang at his first Christmas program, stepped onto the bus for his first day of Kindergarten.  When people say having a child is like having your heart outside of your body, they nailed it right on the head. 

Jacob is just so happy and loving.  It's what I adore most about him.  He just has this contagious smile and look of pure joy on his face that makes my heart spill over.  Jacob gets excited about the simplest things, but is devastated when days like his birthday and Christmas come to an end.  I have found that he's just like his mommy in that he longs for something to look forward to.  So each time something exciting comes to an end, we just look forward to the next exciting thing!

People say that boys love their mommies, and I definitely feel beyond blessed to get so. much. love. from all three of my boys.  I'll get these special cuddle moments on the couch with Casey and Gavin and heartfelt "I love yous" from them every so often, but Jacob ~ he tells me all day long... and I never, ever tire of it.  "I love you soooooo much Mommy.   You're the best mommy in the world.  I love you in my whole heart.  More than anything.  A decillion.  To Pluto and back."  Last night, while we were lying in bed, I asked him why he loved me so much and he said, "Because you take care of us, and you're so nice, and you adopted us a baby sister!"  Sometimes he will grab onto me and we will just hug for these heart-melting moments that I wish could last forever.

The reason I write this is... because I know it's inevitable that it won't last forever.  I can feel a huge lump in my throat just thinking about it.  I can't picture life without Jacob jumping into my arms and cuddling with me on the couch and telling me over and over again how much he loves me.  I can't picture life without him running off the bus to me grinning from ear to ear.  I can't picture life without my happy little Jacob.  But I know this world is full of hurt.  I think Jacob is starting to see it too ~ because he told me last night that he asked four of his little friends to play with him at recess and every one said no.  He said he was starting to feel like a lonely friend.  Ugh, how that hurts my heart to hear.  Like rips it into a billion trillion pieces.  I would give up all of my friends just so he could have one.  I wish they could see the same sweet, endearing boy that I do.  I wish they could see how they are crushing his spirit, taking away a piece of his joyful nature that I love the most.  I know they are only eight, but if this is what happens at eight... well, I shudder to think what will happen in middle school.

When Jacob was little, I could make everything better.  I could immerse his entire world with hugs, love, and words of affirmation.  I could fix every owie with a band-aid.  I could kiss away every tear.  I could bring a smile to his face in an instant.  Oh, how I wish he could stay little forever.  That he could stay happy forever.  That I could protect him forever.    That his heart would never hurt.  That friends would never say no.  That being said, I am so thankful for a God who loves us unconditionally.  I am so thankful that Jacob already tells me how much he loves God back.  When I think about what is truly important in life, what I wish for our children more than anything else... it's not how many friends they have, but that they have faith and trust in God.  Only God can heal every hurt.  Fill his heart with joy like nothing else.  Pull him along through this hurtful world into a life of eternal paradise.  I am so blessed and thankful that God gave me Jacob.  I will be loving and praying for my little guy until my last breath.