Mixed feelings

Today was my last day of school. It was a hard week. I had to say goodbye to my first grade team, three teachers I have been working with for eight years. I wrote them each a letter last night about how much they mean to me and couldn't help but CRY my eyes out. Not to mention that I had the best class ever. I was reading them a story about how first grade is SUCH a special year that they'll always remember and I lost it. Thankfully my job share partner was there to take over for me. I hugged each of my first graders, closed the door to my empty classroom, and walked away with a heavy heart.

I'll back up a little. It all began when I was on maternity leave. I really liked being on maternity leave. My husband and I got to stay up late every night together, I didn't have any papers to correct or report cards to write, life was good. We were pretty convinced we always wanted our life to be like this. So we started praying about it.

My maternity leave flew by and I started dreading going back to school. However, I made the commitment to go back in January part-time so I did. I think I bit off more than I could chew. Getting three boys ready each morning, teaching all day, pumping during recess, coming home to three hungry (usually whiny) boys each night, running into school to make lesson plans when one of them was sick, finding the time to be competent at school and at home. By the time I paid for childcare while I was teaching, it just didn't make sense anymore.

We kept praying. That was when we felt God starting to shut the doors. Out of nowhere, rumors began flying about teachers being cut due to the economy. My job share partner was a first year teacher, which meant the other half of my position would be open. Usually, my principal would just help me hire another job share partner. Our district wasn't hiring anyone new though, so any person in a job share without a partner was displaced. The only opportunity to teach part-time would be for the district to place me in a school, grade, and with a new job share partner.

So I decided to take a leave of absence and stay home with my boys. I was thankful this decision was made for me because I don't know if I could have given up my school and my team. I have loved teaching there and truly hope to be back someday. But for now, I have three boys who need their mommy at home. Jacob is starting kindergarten next year, Gavin will be in preschool, and sweet Casey is just still so little.

I will miss teaching though. I'm not a fan of change. I don't like not knowing what my future holds. But I have a feeling that I'll never regret it. I can always go back to teaching, but my kids are growing up so fast... and I can't go back to being with them when they are little.