A Broken Heart

A friend wrote this article and as I read it, my eyes immediately filled with tears. Tears because it happened to me... tears because memories of my own broken heart came flooding back.

I had a miscarriage in March of 2005, when Jacob was fifteen months old. We were trying for a second child and were more than ecstatic to see the positive pregnancy test. I remember running to tell Adam as he was attempting to fill a crack in our sliding glass door. Whatever he used had the opposite effect, so as I showed him the pregnancy test, we watched our glass door shatter behind us. How's that for an earth shattering response?

We were at the mall that night and made a little t-shirt for Jacob. It had his sweet face with fireworks in the background and said, "I'm going to be a big brother!" And that was how we told everyone without saying a word. Jacob would run into each house with his shirt on and family would bubble over in excitement and congratulations.

I don't remember feeling anything different from my first pregnancy. I was really lucky with Jacob to slide through the first trimester without morning sickness, so I just thought it was another easy pregnancy. Everything seemed fine until my first ultrasound turned my world upside down.

I was eight weeks along, holding onto Adam's hand and anxious to see our baby. When I saw the picture on the screen, I was immediately confused. It did not match the picture of the eight week fetus that I had seen in my pregnancy books. My ultrasound technician told me in a reassuring voice that the baby looked about 4 to 5 weeks, so it would be difficult to see anything in the ultrasound yet.

Upon leaving the appointment, I felt my heart sinking. Without a doubt, I knew I had been pregnant for at least eight weeks. Adam kept trying to convince me that I was mistaken, that our baby would be fine. I tried to keep a glimmer of hope but deep down inside, I knew something was wrong.

My midwife wanted me to have my blood drawn every other day to see if my HCG levels were increasing. Each time it was drawn, they stayed the same... which wasn't good news for us. Finally, one week later, we had a second ultrasound. It confirmed what we had been dreading to see, that the lining around our baby had started to deteriorate.

We saw that our neighbors were home as we drove into our cul-de-sac, so we handed over Jacob in tears. We needed some time alone. I remember laying in our bed, praying and crying together for over an hour. Later that evening, we went for a drive and ended up at a riverbank. It was pure serenity to watch the river flowing in front of us. Everything was quiet, and even though our hearts ached, we could feel God comforting us in the beauty of his nature. I couldn't fathom having a D&C procedure, so I decided to have the miscarriage on my own. I realize now that it wasn't the best decision. Miscarrying my baby was an absolutely horrific experience that I couldn't (or wouldn't ever want to) describe.

It's been almost three years now, but certain things bring me back to the emotions I felt then in an instant. I take comfort in knowing that God had a plan for us, and that plan was to bring sweet Gavin into this world. If everything went well with my second pregnancy, then we wouldn't have Gavin. And I just can't imagine our life without him. Someone gave me a book when I was going through this experience called ~ I'll see you in Heaven. That will be a beautiful day.